Acting as a caregiver for a sick parent is difficult enough in and of itself, but one thing that often increases the stress is the way different siblings deal with the crisis. Too often, one sibling ends up shouldering the entire burden, which causes bad feelings all around. The siblings who are not helping with the caregiving task might feel frozen out and separated from their parents. The person who is actually delivering the care is likely to feel resentful that they are carrying the entire weight themselves.
These feelings are natural, and you can usually avoid them, or at least mitigate the damages, with proper communication. Usually, simply making sure that all siblings are involved in the decision making process when it comes to the care of a parent can be all that is needed to keep everyone actively involved and make them feel like they have an important and valuable role to play.
Hi! I just read your article on the uninvovled sibling, and you really “hit the nail on the head” for my situation! I have a younger brother who does NOTHING to help me with our parents care. I have been so angry with him because they are his parents too! When he was young, they spent all their time, energy, and money on him for his hockey, while I got nothing, and now he can’t even get his butt over here and help me out. I live with them and take care of them on a daily basis. Yes, I am a retired L.P.N., but that is no excuse not to offer help. He calls our Dad every Sunday for a 10 to 15 minute conversation, and feels he’s done “his duty”. Well, I will try very hard after reading your article to “accept him” as he is, and try not to think about it and get so angry. For me, there is no one else to ask in the family for help, and they would never allow a “stranger” in their house to help. So, it’s just me. I live downstairs in their family room with my bed, and the constant up and down the stairs is a killer for me, but I keep getting up and doing everyday. If I don’t who will? Thank-you for the article, and I look forward to more article and tips.
Sincerely,
Kate
For me, there is no one else to ask in the family for help, and they would never allow a
Things aren’t always what they seem. Sometimes the caregiver may have unresolved sibling rivalry and a deep-seated need to play the martyr, to be in control of everyone and everything, or perhaps to “win” the parent’s approval once and for all. In this case, the caregiver does everything possible to push the sibling (a.k.a. “The Competition”) out of the picture, and then conveniently accuses him/her of being “uninvolved.”
just what I was looking for
I totally relate to Kate regarding her uninvolved brother and I don’t agree with Beatrice that the caregiver is in the wrong and the uninvolved sibling is being pushed out the picture on purpose. I’m a single woman who has been caregiving for an elderly parent for at least 5 years now and I would love to have some help from my sister. My married sister does nothing whatsoever to help me. All I want is a weekend off a couple of times a year, when she would come down and spend a weekend with my mother and take her out and do a few tasks for her. She refuses to help–that isn’t my fault, nor am I being a martyr and trying to win my parent’s approval and push her out of the scene. If she at least attempted to help me, and I refused her help, then I would be suspect, but that’s not the case. When a sibling is off to Europe for a 2 week vacation and is taking mini get aways and having friends stay over for the weekend but can’t make time to spend a weekend with a parent, then I have to say that she is either totally clueless or totally self absorbed. My life has literally been put on hold–I would like to move to a cheaper, warmer climate and semi-retire but cannot do so right now because of my caregiving. I don’t have time for taking courses, dating, or pursuing many of my personal hobbies. My parent is frail and has a number of health issues but is totally in her right mind. She still lives alone and is mostly independent as far as her everyday life but doesn’t drive anymore and needs help with errands, grocery shopping, physical tasks, paperwork, etc. I live nearby but we don’t live together. I don’t agree with the usual caregiving bloggers about bringing in outside help, i.e. strangers or paid services. That isn’t a viable solution for most independent elderly parents and is mostly only suitable when a parent is very close to being nursing home status. My parent is not a doddering old biddy in a rocking chair who is sweet and agreeable. She is very strong minded, makes her own decisions, and is contentious. It has taken me literally 15 years to get to the point that she is agreeable when I make a decision about a certain parking spot near the supermarket or making a doctor appointment for her. Bringing in strangers or paid services–not a chance. For one thing, she has no financial resources. The other issue is that when a caregiver vents about an uninvolved sibling, it is not to hear that we must “accept” them or that we must get “paid services” to compensate for their selfishness. We vent because we simply need to vent. No one seems to want to address that there is always a sibling who gets away with not doing anything in most families, and it is largely the fault of the parent who spoiled that person when they were younger. So I feel the onus is on the parent to do something about the “slacker”. The parent should recognize who is doing all of the work and reward them accordingly, and also try to speak up and enlist the slacker sibling to help more. That is what I believe.
“Sometimes the caregiver may have unresolved sibling rivalry and a deep-seated need to play the martyr, to be in control of everyone and everything, or perhaps to
Another thought. Perhaps the sibling who is doing the most for the elderly parent DOES want parental approval. Perhaps he or she was the child who wasn’t as favored by the parent as their sibling, so perhaps it is a subconscious attempt to win more favor with the parent. I think that’s a normal response to an unequitable situation in a family where one sibling has always been more spoiled and favored over another. In my case, my younger sister was more spoiled and more favored by my mother than I was, so perhaps by being the main caregiver of my mother, I’m attempting to finally obtain some recognition and affirmation from her. However, that’s not necessarily wrong. To me, what’s wrong is a sibling who doesn’t help me and a parent who has blinders on about the lack of help that I’m getting.
Well Beatrice & Kate – I have a little bit of both. I along with my two older sisters that are twins share the caregiving for our mother. I am three years younger, and even though I am in my fortys, I am treated as the young disobedient child by my sisters. We have a brother that is one year younger than me, that has no responsibility for the care of my mother. He has always gotten everything handed to him on a silver plater. My parents gave him a two-story brick home fully paid for in the nicest subdivision in town, that is a couple of streets away from them, yet he has no caregiving schedule so to speak of since he is male. He does come over for about an hour on Sunday to sit with the single sitter and my mom while my dad goes to church.
Let me state that I don’t mind sitting with my mom at all. I am able to work from my laptop, and it is not physical at all besides light cleaning, diaper changing, serving meals… The one aspect of caregiving for my parent that I can not stand, that makes me sick to my stomach, that has my hair falling out, that the doctor has prescribed me anxiety meds and depression meds for, is MY TWIN SISTERS TAG-TEAMING ME, COMING OVER EVERYDAY THAT I AM ON SHIFT, THREE DAYS A WEEK, TO CHECK UP ON ME, I GUESS TO SEE IF I HAVE KILLED MY MOTHER YET FOR THAT DAY. My God, I have 3 children, 4 grandchildren, was in the military for 10 years, a police officer for 10 years, and I am a private investigator for the last ten years. I think I know how to change a diaper by now – but yet, they tell me every day a different way to feed her, change her, talk to her, look at her… I’M SO SICK OF THIS S–T, THAT I DON’T EVEN WANT TO BE IN THE SAME ROOM WITH THEM ANYMORE. My sisters I believe are dealing with their own grief of watching our mother die everyday in front of our eyes by controlling me, I guess taking over the mother role to me, my brother, and my father. Yes, they treat him like he is 2 years old also. I have tried talking, emailing, crying, begging, pleading, screaming… Nothing gets through to them. They go behind everyone’s backs and talk to my moms’ doctors without even asking my brother and I if we would like to attend, they hired a sitter without even telling me about it, so I could have at least run a back ground check. They have also done what I perceive to be bazarre things – such as telling me that someone stole our mother’s jewelry. So when I questioned them about calling the police, and told my dad that we needed to get a police report made, the sisters stated that no one actually stole the jewelry, they just wanted everyone to think it was stolen, so it wouldn’t actually get stolen. I could list about fifty bazarre occurrences. We’re all college educated, professional adults in our mid to late fortys. I feel like I am a child again, and like they are trying to compete against all the siblings to see who our mom or dad like the best. They won’t work with me, refuse to switch shifts with me, and go behind my back and cancel my replacement sitter to come take my shift. It has gotten so bad I refuse to communicate verbally or in writing anything. I pass on info to my dad. They also do not pass down information to me that I need to know inre to my mom – i.e. when the nurse is coming so I can give my mom a pain pill before hand to alleviate pain. IT HAS GOTTEN SO BAD THAT I DON’T EVEN THINK I WILL GO TO MY MOM’S FUNERAL BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO BE AROUND THEM, AND I DON’T WANT ALL MY PARENT’S FRIENDS TO SEE HOW HATEFUL MY SISTERS ARE TO ME!!! For the first time ever, I and my children and grandchildren did not attend the family Christmas gathering. I have attended every year that I have been in the United States during this time. I did not tell my children anything, my sisters have aleniated my children by doing ridiculous things like calling my daughter’s ex-husband and not my daughter and inviting him to come down in the middle of a messy divorce, emailing another child for them not to come to my parents’ home with their child because they are don’t watch their child. All this behind my back, and behind my fathers’ back. It is horrible. I don’t even say anything to my father anymore about the way they treat me because he has screamed at them, begged them… also to treat me with a little respect. Oh by the way, my mom was given 6 months to live, she has brain cancer, GBM Stage 4, and she just made her 27 1/2 months since brain surgery, and has had 9 months of hospice. Now, if I wasn’t changing her diaper correctly or treating her negilently, she would not be surviving so well. GBM is the one type of cancer I’ve been told that doesn’t have anyone survive from. I spend 50 – 60 hours a week every week at my parent’s home, and I have only asked my dad to find a replacement for me for 2 days during Thanksgiving while I had the flu. ANY SUGGESTIONS??? Thanks for letting me vent!!!!
Oops – I forgot to add that my dad said that is harder to watch his three daughters not get along than it is to watch his wife of fifty plus years die in front of his eyes. This is why I don’t say anything anymore. Even my parent’s friends, my brother, my spouse, and my cousins all state how controlling and manipulative my twin sisters are! HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DeeDee
My sister has conveniently erased herself from the lives of our 3 closest relatives – our mother, our father, and our aunt (mother’s sister). I am the one who provides physical, emotional and financial assistance to ALL three of them. My sister has rejected both our father and aunt and barely speaks to them. Well, isn’t that convenient for her. The few times I’ve approached her for very reasonable and practical help, she’s cried poverty.
What really burns me up inside is that when our relatives die (especially our mother), my sister will probably start feeling sorry for herself that she “never was close to them” and then I’ll have to support HER too (probably without getting any support in return… left to my own devices as usual). Not looking forward to it. I have zero respect for her. She lives only for her self… which apparently is seen as a virtue by my parents, since they admire the big house she has and independent lifestyle as a sign of “success.” I hope she cries bitterly at their funerals and then has to go back to her empty designer decorated house and her overloaded credit cards. I hope she chokes on them.
I feel like I will be eternally alone… I don’t have any friends who are going through this or can even comprehend it (they, too, like my sister, are free to live lives of their own) and honestly I don’t much care for caregiver support groups because of the subtle martyr complex they use to “frame” the experience of caregiving. I never asked for this, I don’t enjoy doing it, I don’t get anything whatsoever out of it, I don’t like it, it ISN’T making me a better or richer person spiritually, it’s just making me tired and angry, and I’ll be relieved when I don’t have to do it any more, and I don’t feel guilty for saying so.
I also hate the term “caregiver.” I don’t care, and I’m certainly not “giving” – it’s been imposed on me and my life stolen from me.
I also hate God, because God approves of this situation. God wants me crushed into the dirt. It helps me be civil to people in daily life, reserving all my loathing for the “Man Upstairs” who supposedly “cares for me.” This helps me smile and be polite to my parents and co-workers, and even to my sister most of the time. (By the way, don’t quote the Footprints on the Beach thing to me. Sometimes you really are just simply ALONE in life.)
Last thing: I’d love to know why these caregiver sites almost never talk frankly about alcohol and drug (including prescription drug) abuse among caregivers. I’ll bet this is a coping mechanism that a lot of women are secretly resorting to, but I guess we can’t discuss that because it blows our image of being saintly Florence Nightingales.